my name used to be amanita virosa

i had series of breakdown lately. heart wrenching. but that's life, as it is.

somehow for a reason then, i could not make myself better. not wanting to be better is one thing, not having the opportunity to be better is another.

people. keep on blaming. i don't really care. knowing that you're not living your life the way you wanted it to be, resulting in you, living in such denial, I'll make sure that does not affect me when it's most possibly would happen.

it hurts. naturally. i bleed. consequently. for i am a human being with such attitude, you are not allowed to even care. why do i love so much? why do i care so much? why do i hurt so much? no one care. no one even dare to ask. simply leaving me all alone. without noticing, there's much more to do than just that.

I'd rather say, having these difficulties in life, made my day stronger. bitter, yes. but that's life. twinkling dreamy events do not give you the spices of life. you learn from life, the hard way. though learning is not necessarily bitter. but I'm kinda used to that. though i am now getting more and more vulnerable, due to excessive love from bunnywebit and other loving bunnies, am trying to my best not to be as vulnerable, except when I'm with them.

hypocrisy made my day such a bright day. other people lives too. how would you feel, if I'm about to cry and go berserk in front of you, when the reason that it happens got nothing to do with you in the first place? i rather laugh my ass off than crying hysterically in front of those who loves me. it hurts to hide. but it hurts more to show.

i love myself more now, than i loved myself before. been used to live my life for the sakes of others, which showed me no grace, thus i should love and pamper myself more. appreciate myself more. and now, i could not feel any better than that. it's a hiatus. wanting to change my reason to live. am not a strongwill person if not for my reason to live. i live for her. not me. her. but having her as my reason to live, to make her proud, to make her happy, to make her feel glad she had me, to make her smile because i'm happy, made my life bitter. and stronger.

then i stopped.

and everything seemed to fall into its own place. the ohwellidontreallycare attitude is truly giving me nice and sweet results. everyone seemed to be happy with their own life. and i have MY own life too. though still, i can't let go of what holding me back. love. i love them. i love her.

there's this one person. he's not bugging. but to be true, you're annoying. i lyke. not that i'm easily annoyed. but he's someone from outer space. i'm not joking. he confessed! though now i'm having doubt whether he, is actually a 'he'. does alien have two species? male and female? they look much the same though. wtf i can't stop imagining.


it is not impossible to freely letting myself being judged. less i care people would even bother doing anything about it. being ignorant is not that easy, dear. not at all. the fact that you'd be unfairly judged for not wanting to care, made you even more aware of everything else. you do care. who doesn't?

damn my eyes having excessive bags for crying soundlessly last night. urgh! the body is aching too much right now. i need Tilam Vono. when would i have a body like ZZain? huh? huh? dammit. apekesusahsangatnakslimakupuntataukenapa.

that's it for now. it's getting harder and harder for me to keep up the same pace as before.



i'm rotting.
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stupidity is a privilege, some might abuse it.
ignorance is a bliss, some might longed for it.
nevertheless. there are morons. gifted, i believe. ____________________________________________________________