my fieldwork : a blast. his fieldwork : shit.

ooooooh the irony..

this post was my 100th post.. sigh~

thought i'd use that number as my goodluck charm in this blogosphere~

had been writing for quite a long time. and i took me quite a few media to do my journals. as a matter of fact, i évolué. sweet honesty. and pure joy of young lives.

how i missed cursing over Capitan's unfair decisions. which apparently made me stronger, and caused my sister to become such a wimp. ha ha~

how i missed whomping willow-ing my sisters, for even gave a gentle touch, on my dear things. because it's mine. never yours. it's mine. not yours. never will be. no. not a chance. psychotic. ha ha~

how i missed being the girl next door, hoping one day i'd meet my one true love, in a story, i'm very much glad to tell. i'm fine with the current story, by the way.

how i missed being punished, for being rebellious, which i found very much interesting and fun to do. i meant, the rebel.

life was never easy. painful as it was, i stumbled quite times before i learned that crying over such cruelty, was a stupidity, i never even thought of.

funny life is. the irony, is even funni-er. i used to give up on love. started to believe that the only time love will come to me, is when i stop chasing over it. thus, i stopped. without even hoping to find any love further ahead. tired of being rejected.

being serious about my study was something i used to have back in high school. the moment i'm officially holding my letter from UM, saying that i'm doing my degree, i left that 'hardworking' attitude at home. don't ask me why. to be frank, as an asasian, i can still be considered as a very much hardworking student. don't be surprised...

ah. shit.

apparently, i have been writing something in between this..

but it turned out blogger was unable to be reached. deym. all my thoughts for nothing.
could it be that someone is cursing me over my finger just now? kyuu~
well, back to post.

dont' be surprised, uh?

i live my life so far, just to entertain others, and yet, they failed to entertain me. even when i was not expecting more than what they could do.

weird how my life is, i always knew i'd turned out good, no matter how much mistakes i have done, no matter how much hatred people gave me for being the outkast. i couldn't agree more.

i live my life so that people would be joyful, merciful, and as true as they can and should be. so that they would treat me the same, though at last, they failed.

not wanting others to feel sorry, i made myself look stronger. being hypocritical helps in a way solving problems i never intend to face anyway. i looked further away, when someone i loathe appeared. i stopped walking when someone i dispise hindered me from continuing. tell me, my dear, what else should i do, to at least hide what i've been thinking and feeling?

i smile to conceal my sorrow. i laugh to hide my tears. every single thing i did, only to shut the gate to my real emotion, not wanting anyone come and heal me, for what i am is such a difficult and complex person, even i can't resist leaving. over time, i tried heal my ownself. i decline helps from others in love with me, as it can only show how lonely i am. i can't.

but he saw right trough me. damn.

he saw almost everything. every single thing i was trying to conceal. every tears. every sorrows. everything.

though i've tried my best, to readapt. creating a new mask. but again, he blew that simple lie away. just.. urgh!

i could not walk away. i was stunned. stoned, actually. for my mask is now broken into pieces, and he made me cry every single tears i've been holding in all these while. on his shoulder, i surrender.

i was an idiot, once. for falling in love with a man now i know a jerk. but if it wasn't for his jerkiness three years ago, i would not have found my happiness today. i was greedy too. just can't get enough of something i love. his love. affection. attention. i was lonely all this while, and then he came to tell me, i don't have to be alone any longer. but since then, i was in absolute misery, for me, knowing how happy i can get for being accompanied by him, in such suffering for now i know exactly how it hurts being lonely. i used to be such a strong girl, and i am still now. in addition for being in love, i learned how to suffer. it made me stronger.

living my own life used to sound so good last three years. enchanting. to be able to do whatever i wanted to. financially. mentally. physically. but now, facing the truth, i can't live without him. how could i? i lived my life all these years, thinking that i was a whole. and now that i know, i found my other half, how could i carry on living when i knew that there's only half of me? i'd die..

a friend of mine asked, what would i do, if my ex, is destined to be my real jodoh?

dear friend, define that sacred word to me. as i do not know what jodoh means. does it stands solely on marriage? or does it means, the one i'm spending my life with? happily? or not?

please dear friend. pardon me for being ignorance on how this word means so much to almost everybody.

aih...

i'm trembling. to see the future. afraid. and anxious.

let's play domino. that sounds more... predictable.

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stupidity is a privilege, some might abuse it.
ignorance is a bliss, some might longed for it.
nevertheless. there are morons. gifted, i believe. ____________________________________________________________